"I cannot imagine any condition which would cause this ship to founder. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that."
- E. I. Smith, Captain of the Titanic
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Food for Thought:
* There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
* I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
* Mental Floss prevents moral decay!
* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
* Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.
* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
* There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
* I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
* Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?
* A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
* I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
* Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.
* If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
* Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
* It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
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JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"
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Warning Signs of Insanity:
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
You have a serious fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
You like reading lists like this.
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How to Win Arguments
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865." You say "You're begging the question."
OR
You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..." Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa." You say, "You're being defensive."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
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A man is struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've lived behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I've listened to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
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Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter.
"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
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Right in the middle of the service and just before the sermon, a member of the choir remembered she had forgotten to turn off the gas under the roast.
Hurriedly she scribbled a note and passed it to the usher to give to her husband.
Unfortunately, the usher misunderstood her intention and took it to the pulpit. Unfolding the note, the preacher read aloud, "Please go home and turn off the gas."
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One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
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A boss was thinking that the people in the company did not take him seriously and that they did what they liked to do. So, one day he came to the office carrying a big board with "I am the BOSS of you" written on it. He hung it on his door and then went out for a meeting. When he came back, he read the note written on the board:
"Your wife called.. She wants her board back.."
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During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
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Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.
A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat.
Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?"
"Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."
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A guy comes home from work one day to find his wife in bed with another man. "What in the hell are you doing?" he screamed. "See," says the wife to her lover, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
one.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and
one to change the bulb.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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A man ran into a railway station carrying some very heavy suitcases. As he ran towards his train, it began to move slowly out of the station. The man ran after the train but he failed to catch it. As he walked back down the platform, someone asked him, "Have you just missed your train?"
"No," he replied, "I didn't like the look of that one, so I chased it out of the station."
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School
Teacher: Did your sister help you with your homework?
Student: No, she did all of it.

Teacher: How do you spell wrong?
Student: R-O-N-G
Teacher: That's wrong.
Student: That was what you asked for, wasn't it?

Student: Should somebody be punished for something they haven't done?
Teacher: Of course not.
Student: Good, because I Haven't done my homework.

Teacher: If I had eight oranges in my right hand and nine in my left hand, what would I have?
Student: Full hands, sir.

Teacher: What is HCl?
Student: Just a minute. It's on the tip of my tongue.
Teacher: Well, in that case, spit it out fast. It's hydrochloric acid.
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Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."
"No way. You're on."
The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.
"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."
"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"
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Waiter! Waiter!
-Waiter, how long will the fish be?
-About fifteen centimeters.

-Waiter, have you smoked sausage?
-No, but I've smoked cigarettes.

-Waiter, I'll have a hamburger, please.
-With pleasure.
-No, just mustard and ketchup, please.

-Waiter, this meal isn't fit for a pig.
-I'll take it away and bring you something that is, sir.

-Waiter, this plate is wet.
-That's your soup, sir.

-Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-Well, bring me the winner then.

-How did you find the steak, sir?
-I just moved the potato and there it was.
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
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A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said, "Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent. Are you from Krakow?"
"Yes, I am," replied the surprised man.
"It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the well-dressed man. "I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the Humor Network. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up."
Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend. He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point, so he decided to take a shot in the dark.
The receptionist answered, and he asked, "Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?"
"Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"
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A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
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Morris is on vacation with his girlfriend Sherry in Las Vegas. After paying a fortune for tickets, they go to a nightclub where Morris has been assured they'll be able to mingle with the stars. Sure enough, the place is full of famous people.All around them the conversation is very exciting.
"Hi ya, Madonna!"
"How are you, Clint?"
"Monica is telling her Clinton tales -- come over Ricky."
Far from being impressed, Morris' girlfriend is very annoyed that Morris doesn't know any of the stars and that nobody was interested in talking to them the whole evening.
On a visit to the toilet Morris finds himself standing beside Frank Sinatra. Morris explains the problem, and tells Frank he's been a fan ever since 'My Way' and has all his records. Would Mr. Sinatra please help him out? All he has to do is walk past Morris' table and say, "How are ya Morris?" For once, Frank is in a good mood and agrees.
Ten minutes later Frank walks up to the table where Morris and Sherry are sitting and talking. "Hey my buddy, how are you Morris?" shouts Frank. Morris looks up and says, "Screw off, Frank. Can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend?"
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3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
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A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
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A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
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Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty
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A blond man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".
The 911 operator asks, "is this her first child?"
To which the blond replies, "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband".
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In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
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Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)....
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
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Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while."
The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."
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At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
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Two generals, one from the Army, and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
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If computer error messages were haikus:

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame responded,
"Why yes sir, this IS a union house."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
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The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his wife with a new-born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Just tell me one thing! Which one of my no-good friends did this?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
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Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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-Mum, I don't like cheese with holes.
-Well, Peter, just eat the cheese and leave the holes at the side of your plate.
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Two boys sat down in an expensive cafe, took out their sandwiches from their schoolbags and began to eat. A waiter saw them and shouted, "Hey, you can't eat your own food ni here."
So the boys exchanged sandwiches.
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Mummy! Mummy!
-Mum, I'm homesick.
-But this is your home, Peter.
-I know. I'm sick of it.

-Mum, I'm going to buy you a nice teapot for your birthday.
-But I've already got one.
-No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.

-Jennifer, there were two cream cakes in the cupboard yesterday and now there's only one. Why?
-I don't know, Mum. It must have been so dark that I didn't see the other one.
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A family finished their meal in a restaurant and the father called the waiter and said, "My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate. Could you put it in a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"
"Oh, Dad!" shouted the excited boy. "Are we getting a dog, then?"
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-Taxi driver, how much to the station?
-Ten pounds, sir.
-And how much for my suitcase?
-Nothing, sir.
-Good. Take my suitcase to the station and I'll walk.
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We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."
We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?"
"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"
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Doctor! Doctor!
Patient: Is it serious, doctor?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't start watching any new TV serials.

Doctor: How are those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

Patient: Doctor, I don't think these pills are doing me any good.
Doctor: Have you been following my instructions and taking them on an empty stomach?
Patient: I've tried, but they keep falling off.

Doctor: I have to tell you that you are seriously ill. Is there anything you'd like?
Patient: Yes, a second opinion.

Doctor: Is your cough better today?
Patient: It should be. I've been practising all night.

Patient: I think I've got a cold.
Doctor: Well, put your head out of the window and stick your tongue out.
Patient: Will that make me any better?
Doctor: No, but I don't like my neighbours.

Patient: Doctor, my hair's falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Doctor: Take this paper bag.
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Husband and Wife
-Have you had any replies to your advertisement for a husband?
-Yes, but they all say the same thing.
-Really! What's that?
-Take mine.

Wife: One more word from you and I'm going back to my mother.
Husband: Taxi!

Wife: Don't you think that our son got his intelligence from me?
Husband: I think you are right. I've still got mine.

-Mummy, what's a weapon?
-It's something you fight with.
-Does that mean Daddy is a weapon?

-This week I took the first step towards divorce.
-Did you go and see a solicitor?
-No. I got married.
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A manager of a big hotel told the new porter that it was very important to call the guests by their names to make them feel welcome. The manager told the porter that the easiest way to find out the names of the guests was to look at the names on their suitcases. The porter took his first two guests to their room and said, "I hope you enjoy your stay here, Mr. and Mrs. Genuine Leather."
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-How old are you?
-Thirty-three, but I don't look it, do I?
-No, but you used to.
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-How much for a haircut barber?
-Five pounds.
-And how much for a shave?
-Two pounds.
-Well, shave my head then.
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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
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A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes--they were gone.
He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck.
Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged. "Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked plaintively.
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It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first:
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to muself, I hope it will be a pink day..."
The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on t.v."
Last was the Indian: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone green green, I pink up the phone and I say "Yellowww???."
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In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven...
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."
"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"
Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
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