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"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
--Bill Watterson in the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes

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While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered. A passenger looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to his or her back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as the third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

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Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow."

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Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this carefully, with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man.
Mr. Smith pointed out the coloured ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

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A thief slipped in and out of the Louvre museum in France with a number of priceless art treasures.
After eluding all of the intricate security measures, the thief was captured just a few blocks from the museum when his Dodge Intrepid ran out of gas.
Investigators were baffled that a man who could elude such state of the art protection devices, could be foiled by such a minor oversight. When questioned about his gaffe, the burglar replied, "I didn't have the Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.

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An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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Bill and Hillary had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
No matter what Bill tried to say or do, Hillary refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.
After a while, Bill said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
Hillary replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

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In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

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A few deep thoughts
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. they were cramming for their finals.
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
* Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars"
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

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An old farmer was relaxing on his verandah one evening, watching his rooster in the yard running around chasing after the hen. They circled the yard half a dozen times, the cock in what seemed to be fierce pursuit of the hen... The farmer's wife then threw some scraps into the yard and the hen kept right on running, but the rooster stopped for nourishment. The farmer then lamented: "Good God in Heaven, I pray that I never get that hungry!"
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A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
"How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks to the shop assistant.
In a condescending manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have ...
- Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95
- Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95
- Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95
- Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95
- Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95
- and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..

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A blond man comes home from work and hears his wife yelling. He runs up the stairs and finds her in bed naked; the blond asks his wife what's wrong.
She says she's having a heart attack. He runs downstairs to call 911 where he finds his 5 year old son.
The boy cries, "Daddy, uncle's in the closet naked!"
So the dolt runs back upstairs and opens the closet and sure enough there was his brother naked in his closet.
"I can't believe it!" he yells, "My wife has an emergency and you're running around scaring the kids!"

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HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow - a bulimic dog
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso + Peekasso - an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever -the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound - a dog for financial advisors
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador - a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point - owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute - a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere - a dog that's true to the end

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A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.
The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

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Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sure. "
The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

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How To Tell if You're a Geek:
You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.
You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper.
You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires.
Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.
Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
You ran the sound system at your senior prom.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You know what "http" stands for.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.
You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.
You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword.
The Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me please."
The chief gives him a pistol.
The Englishman says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over. The chief asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe!"

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An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: "I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
"What, you're not going to kiss me?"
"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac."

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It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."
An overweight man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

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Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
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A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late."
At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty.
She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!

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LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public, You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

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Science Ideas that Deserve More Recognition:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

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The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.
Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.
They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, "Leave it to me."
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."

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Responses to Pick Up Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.


Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?


Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.


Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.


Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.


Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.


Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter


Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.


Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.


Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.


Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

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The world is coming to an end in three days, and God wants to warn the world. So he decides to bring the three most important people into Heaven so they can relay the massage. He calls up the JokeMaster, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates, and tells them the story.
When they get back down Clinton calls a Press conference and tells the country: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a god, and the bad news is the world is coming to an end in three days."
The JokeMaster calls a meeting at his company and tells them, "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is I'm not really god, some other guy is; and the worse news is that the world is coming to an end in three days."
Then Bill Gates gets on the 'net and e-mails his company: "Hey guys, guess what; I have some good news and some great news! The good news is God thinks I'm one of the three most important people in the world. The great news is I don't have to fix all the bugs in Windows 2000!"

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A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

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The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."

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Resolving to surprise her husband, Hillary Clinton stopped by the Oval Office. She found Bill with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

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A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said, "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
The man replied, "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air".
"In that case, I'm going to have to ask you to come back to the station for a blood test."
The man said, "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.".
The officer said, "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"Can't do that either," said the man.
The officer was getting irritated. "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."

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The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink; dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left . . .Then to the right . . . right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."

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30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

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A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."

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A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.
"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."
"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations."
"Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."
"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"
"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later."
"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1."
"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."
"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."
"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."
"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear."
"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."
"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset."
"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people."

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A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"

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