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1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
1 (666) - Area code of the Beast
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
665.9997856 - The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
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It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth.
The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.
"Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?"
"Yeah. It's my wife's seat."
"And why is it empty?"
"She died."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend to come to the game with you today?"
"Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her funeral."
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Bill Clinton calls Rush Limbaugh's producer and asks to speak with Rush. The producer replies, "I’m sorry Mr. President, but Rush has suddenly died."
Clinton says, "OK.", and hangs up.
About 15 minutes later Clinton calls again and receives a slightly more irritated "Rush has died."
Again acknowledges and hangs up.
After about 20 minutes he calls again and asks to speak to Rush. The producer replies in a loud voice, " I told you Rush is dead. Why can't you understand that?"
Clinton replies, "Oh, I understand that, I just love to hear you say it."
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A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, ""
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--and if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?
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One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
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"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away." "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."
"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.
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Bill Gates went up to heaven and was met by St John. Seeing how he was so important, St. John gave him the option to go to Heaven or to Hell. Bill Gates said, "What are they like?"
St John shows him Heaven, which is very nice with green fields and luxurious houses. Only you can't drink. Bill Gates asks to see Hell so St John shows him and it is exactly the same except that you can drink. So Bill Gates says, "I'll go to Hell then"
About a month later St John returns to see how he is getting on and Bill Gates is working in the furnaces sweating and wishing he could drink anything let alone alcohol. He says to St John, "Hell is nothing like what you showed me!"
St John replies, "Well, that was only the demo version."
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A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest.
"I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me."
"Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was architectural accomplishment."
"Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone had to create the chaos."
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A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?" "Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said. "In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."
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A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.
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Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this...."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this...usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both!"
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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A corporate executive received a bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billings for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -$125.
Scrolling stock ticker at the bottom of the screen is handwritten in crayon.
Host urges viewers to invest in his daughter’s Girl Scout cookies.
Coverage of the opening bell is a prerecorded honk of a car horn and a tourist photo of the Liberty Bell.
Experts keep advising you to invest in canned goods, bottled water, and shotgun shells.
Lunchtime guest CEO admits that he isn't really a CEO -- though he did play one on a canceled UPN sitcom.
Theme song is "Money" from Pink Floyd’s "Dark Side of the Moon."
Every time Yahoo! is mentioned, the anchor says, "Seriously -- that's not the name of a real company, is it?"
Experts advise you check out the Produce section of the stock market.
Hosts constantly complain about how there's "too much math."
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It was a particularly tough game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.
"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that YOU STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. "And how do I smell from here?" he called.
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The first Canadians are debating over what to name their country.
The first one says, "Let's start out with a C, eh?"
The second one replies, "Then let's continue on with an N, eh?"
The third one says, "And let's end with a D, eh?"
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The blond called up the airline ticket counter and asked, "How long are your flights from Los Angeles to Phoenix?"
The counterman answered, "Just a minute."
At which, the blond thanked him and hung up.
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The blond man was crying at the bar, and the bartender gave him a free drink.
"What’s the trouble?" asked the friendly bartender.
"I got kicked out of chef school," said the blond. "They said I gave them the oldest excuse in the book, and all I did was tell the truth."
"What did you say?"
"I told them the dog ate my homework."
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Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.
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"I've seen plenty of batting slumps," the manager told one of his coaches. "But I've never had a whole lineup in a slump before."
The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they'd done was four hits in a game.
"We have to try something different," the manager said to his batting coach.
"What do you have in mind?" the batting coach asked warily.
"I'm going into the batting cage myself," the manager said.
The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager was desperate, willing to try anything.
With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch. Ditto the third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher's mound.
The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned around, and stared at his players. "That's how you guys look at the plate!" he yelled. "Now get up there and HIT the ball!"
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An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.
The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn’t open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.
The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.
The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "two o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill through the safe's door. He then took the bent metal, hooked it through the hole and fished around a few moments until a loud "CLICK" was heard. Turning the handle the door swung open slowly.
The safe was empty.
Disappointed, the entrepreneur turned to the locksmith and asked the charge for opening the safe.
"A hundred and twenty dollars," replied the locksmith.
"A hundred and twenty dollars?!" shouted the businessman, "That's outrageous! The other man only wanted forty! I want an itemized bill for it!"
"Okay." The locksmith turned on his heel and returned to his truck. A few minutes later, the entrepreneur was presented with a dirty piece of paper upon which the locksmith had written:
"Charge for drilling hole --- $20
Charge for knowing WHERE to drill hole --- $100."
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Stray cats will not be fed.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal rope scratching post with three perches.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in our bed.
Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.
Stray cats will not play on the desk.
Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is using it.
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He'd been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods. "Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked. "I've never had an old ball," he said.
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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

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Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.
So the two of them went looking for her.
After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law!
Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice, "Dewayne you got'ta do something, or there’s gonna be blood shed fer sure!"
Dewayne calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into it..."
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In Temperance, MS, you can’t walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.
In Kansas City, KS, saying the name George Washington without adding the phrase blessed be his name,can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
An old statute in Flint, MI, compels dentists to offer a slug of whiskey with no additional charge to said patient.
In Manchester, England, an ancient law declares that if a young man develops a lisp, he must be inspected by a bishop to ensure that he isn’t developing homosexual tendencies.
The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name San Francisco. It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman’s hand in marriage, he must be inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman’s family’s property, to ensure a harmonious farm life.
Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.
In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on August 18th must be tested for possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was born on that day in 1638.
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During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
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A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a cathouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a cathouse smells like.
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A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."
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Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery.
Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom.
Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"
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Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Yom Kippur. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in MA and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Passover!"
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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
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After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
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God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
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The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that "men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way." That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
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Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

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Mrs Klein gives 50p to her daughter Sarah. The little girl goes outside and returns 10 minutes later without the coin. Wondering what she had done with the money, Mrs Klein asks, "Where is the 50p I gave you?" "I gave it to an old lady." says Sarah. "Oh you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow you will have £1!" The next day, true to her word, Mrs Klein gives Sarah a whole pound. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the coin. "What did you do with the £1?" "Oh today, I saw the same old woman," begins Sarah as her mother beemed at her, "and I bought a bigger icecream."
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Two women, one a brunette and one a blonde, are standing next to each other at a party. As they begin to make small talk, a man walks up to them and asks if they know where the crudities are.
The blonde slaps him and yells, "We are not crude, we're classy!" The brunette points over to the veggies on the table next to them.
As he walks towards the table, another man walks up to the women, and asks, "Excuse me, do you know where the punch line is?" The blonde turns to the brunette and says, "Don't point- I got this one!" She daintily lifts her finger and points to the people standing next to the glass bowl filled with punch.
The man looks at her quizzically and turns towards the brunette.
"There is no punch line," she replies. "This joke just isn't funny!"
At that the blonde laughs.

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A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field." "You must work in information technology," says the balloonist. "Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?" "Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"
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Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well.
One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?"
There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

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A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
    c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those bastards at the post office."

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A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!"
When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you."
Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, "She isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"

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Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

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There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed- "The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

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One Line Groaners ......
Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

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George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

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On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions; Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(And, whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
(Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sinsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(I can think of several government buildings THIS warning could be placed on!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open Packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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