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On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first aid."
She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."
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Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.
"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."
"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."
"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all." When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."
"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"
"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."
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Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
* Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
* Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Three guys went into business for themselves.
Said the first, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of violence and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means that when I want your bloody advice, I'll whistle."
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A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.
"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope." "Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"Nope." "How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"
"Nope." Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said. "Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."
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The patient lifts his hand above his head and says, "Doctor, it hurts every time I go like this."
"Well, don't go like that," the doctor says. "Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my right foot."
"Have you ever had this pain before?"
"Well, you've got it again."
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A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says. Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N." "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."
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Recent confusion about the meaning of the abbreviation BTU has lead to the creation of set definitions that may be used when discussing its meaning.
1. Big Time Unemployment
2. Buy Thermal Underwear
3. Bill's Tax Utopia
4. Being Totally Unfair

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While the brokers were busily calling potential customers to drum up business, the president of the firm stopped to eavesdrop on a new employee. He listened as the young man talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their stock portfolios to him. The boss approached the young man and said, "I've been listening in, and I must say I'm impressed with your ability. Where did you learn so much about talking to investors?" "Yale, sir," the young man answered. Impressed, the boss said, "Oh, that's fine, just fine. And what's your name?" "Yackson," he replied.
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...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area. assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" .wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work. parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.
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A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
He's back in his government office.

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