The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions.
At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?"
He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up.
The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"
The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband."
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Blondes don't worry about flat tires because, as they reason... "Heck, it's only flat on the bottom. If I need to go somewhere, I'll just drive on the top half."
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A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
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A man walked into the Doctor’s office and said, "Doc, I think that I am God."
"How did that start?"
"Well, first I created the sun, then the earth..."
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A day in the life of a busy executive, as reflected in responses to telephone calls:
"He hasn't come in yet."
"I expect him any minute."
"He's in, but he's in conference."
"He's out to lunch."
"I expect him back any minute."
"He's somewhere in the building. His coat is here."
"He came back to the office, but now he's at a meeting."
"He's gone for the day."
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Pushing a cart down a supermarket aisle, a man passed a woman whose cart carried a four-year-old girl. As he walked by, he heard the mother saying, "Take it easy, Natasha. It won't be long. We have only three more items to buy." A few minutes later, he passed the same woman in another aisle. As the little girl looked at the items on the shelves, the woman crooned in a soothing voice, "It's okay, Natasha. We're almost finished. Nothing to get upset about, Tasha dear. We'll be outside in no time at all." When the man reached the checkout counter, the woman was paying for her groceries. "Excuse me," he said. "I'd like to compliment you on the way you kept your daughter calm while you did your shopping. I overheard some of the soothing things you were saying to Natasha here to keep her from getting upset." The woman looked puzzled for a few seconds, then laughed. "You've got it all wrong," she said. "My daughter's name is Kate. I'm Natasha."
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5th and 6th grade responses to science questions on tests:
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
- The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
- Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
- A monsoon is a French gentleman.
- The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
- When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
- For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
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Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"
"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear..."
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By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
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A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a screaming baby in it.
As she moved up and down the aisles, she kept murmuring, "Stay calm, Rachel. Don't cry, Rachel. Don't scream, Rachel."
Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked, "You certainly have a lot of patience with little Rachel."
"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Rachel!"
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Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
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This is a true story. My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.
One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.
My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."
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This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.
He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.
So, the man says to himself, "I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!" So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.
Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!
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During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator. "Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered. "Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."
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A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
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EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF CAT BEHAVIOUR
LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter.
LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.
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Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming mayoral election. "I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them." "I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."
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The pastor of a big church couldn't get the attention of his members; they were always talking during his sermons. One Sunday morning he came up with the idea that he would say a word and when he smacked his podium, someone was to stand up and sing the first song that came to mind.
He began his sermon and said "RIVER," and slammed his hand on the podium. A little boy stood up and sang, "We Shall Gather At The River." So the pastor continued and said "GRACE," and then slammed his hand down on the podium and a woman stood up and started singing "Amazing Grace."
The preacher then continued and said "SEX," and then slammed his hand down on the podium. An elderly woman stood up and started singing, "PRECIOUS MEMORIES HOW THEY LINGER."
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A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself more. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said, "now, go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I most certainly do," said his wife, smiling sweetly.
"The undertaker."
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After an astounding college career in the early 1950's, Rodney "Hot Rod" Hundley signed with the Minneapolis Lakers of the National Basketball Association. He and teammate Bob Leonard once missed a team flight because they were out too late the night before. Lakers owner Bob Short had them report to his office the next morning. Hundley went into Short's office, where he was told he would be fined a thousand dollars for missing the flight. At 10 percent of Hundley's yearly salary, this was the largest fine ever imposed on a professional basketball player. Hundley came out of Short's office and was accosted by Leonard, who asked "How much?" "A big one, baby," Hundley said. "A big bill." "A hundred dollars?" Leonard asked worriedly. Leonard gasped. His face fell. He was on the verge of tears. Hundley put his hand on Leonard's shoulder and said, "It's a record." Leonard's face lit up. "Let's go out and celebrate!"
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The accountant for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe was retiring after working for the firm for seventeen years. Cheatham was interviewing applicants, and was disappointed, as only three had even bothered to send in a resume.
After looking over the application of the first, an accountant with six years experience at Goldman Sachs, he called the first applicant in, and asked the woman what 2 plus 2 was.
She answered, "Four."
Cheatham said he would call her if she was selected.
The second candidate was a CPA from Harvard, and at the end of the interview he was asked the same question, "What is two and two?"
The CPA replied, "Four." Cheatham told him that he would call the young man if he was selected.
The third applicant was a recently-graduated philosophy. Cheatham figured that this wasn't going to go anywhere, but thought, "What the hey? I’ve got nothing to lose."
He interviewed the young man quickly and asked, "I know you don’t have an accountancy background, but can you tell me what two plus two is?"
To which the philosophy major replied, "Can you tell me what would you want it to be?"
And was hired on the spot.
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The blonde was in a coffee shop, surveying the establishment's menu. After fifteen minutes, the counter guy got impatient. "How about this?" he asked, jabbing his finger at the menu item, "latte." "Nooo," said the blond slowly, "I need to have it early."
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The rude redhead was on a blind date set up by a friend. She was disgusted by him - he had bad teeth, and was fairly dirty. "Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't realize they meant you were a redhead." "Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you from."
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How is Al Gore similar to the violin player in a country band? Both are used to playing second fiddle to a lyre.
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Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
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An English doctor said "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks".
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks".
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".
The New York State doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take a half a brain out of Arkansas, put her in the Senate, and half the state will be looking for work the next day!"
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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before................Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
And the favorite...Better late than.......pregnant
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Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.
He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
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The first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is." Then she walked over to the next child. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
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Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?"
Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I’ll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . "
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Steve went to confession, and told the priest that he had been with 5 different women the night before, each one another man’s fiancee or wife.
The priest told our man Steve to go home and squeeze 3 lemons and 2 limes into a cup of water and drink it.
Steve asked the priest if that would give him absolution.
The priest replied, "No, but it should wipe that smirky grin off your face!"
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Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
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The blonde crook was in the police station being interrogated by the police sergeant.
"But," he said, "if you had to steal a car, why a police car?"
"Because," the blonde replied, "I saw the number 911 and thought it was a Porsche!"
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The blonde was talking to her friend, Marshall, who said, "I thought you were going to get a suntan today."
"I did," she said. "I was out there for three hours, but I didn't get any color."
Marshall replied, "Next time don't lie under a tree!"
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One morning, the blonde, who was sleeping over at her friend Janey's place, was doing her morning ablutions.
"Why," asked Janey, "do you keep tip-toeing past the medicine cabinet?"
"Because," replied her hysterical houseguest, "I didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!"
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A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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A man's car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and the woman behind him honked continuously as he tried to restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked to the woman's car.
"I can't seem to get my car started," the man said, smiling. "If you'll go and start it for me, I'll stay here and lean on your horn."
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Buchanan camp doing "blind taste-test"; I accidentally chose "Candidate X" over nationally-known Gore brand.
Had flashbacks to the day I voted for president James Buchanan.
Thought I was renting Mira Sorvino movie, "The Buccaneers."
With all those arrows, thought I was reading instructions to program my VCR's clock, got confused.
Mistook presidential ballot for Oscar ballot, thought I was voting against Richard Gere in "Autumn In New York."
Irrational fear of goats made me temporarily crazy - only cure was some sweet Buchanan lovin'.
Election volunteer told me that with Buchanan, I would get a $5.95 Early Bird special.
Accidentally wandered over to voting booth - meant to go to table for Atlantic City trip sign-up.
Wanted to take the heat off of Nader by having other third-party candidate ruin the election.
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The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
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Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
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There was this midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of blondes and a team of brown-haired guys.
So the boss said to both teams: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road. The team that installs the most poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of shift, the brown-haired guys came back and the Boss asked them how many they had installed and they said they'd put 12 in. 45 minutes later, the blondes came back in and they were dragging. The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those guys put 12 in!"
"Yeah," said the blond leader, "But you should see how much they left sticking out!"
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It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh,
mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey," said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked. "I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
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An elderly couple, Georgia and Fred, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask you a question, Fred?" "Sure Georgia," Fred says, waiting to dig into his meal.
"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?"
"Yes, indeed!" Fred replied. "For the twenty years I was a bachelor!"
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Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal. "What are you doing?" Bruno asked. "Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied. "That's cool!" Bruno said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
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Ed arrived home some six hours late from his usual Saturday golf foursome. Edna, his wife, immediately lit into him: "You have some nerve leaving me home alone all day. I had to cancel dinner with our friends and send the baby sitter home. You better have a good explanation, mister!"
Flustered, Ed told Edna that their game was interrupted by the untimely sudden death of Stan, one of their playing partners. "Edna, honey, Stan died of a massive heart attack just as we were about to tee off on two. If there's a silver lining, it's that he went suddenly doing what he loved best."
Saddened, Edna comforted her husband, "I'm so sorry. But tell me something," Edna asked, with a note of anger returning to her voice, "If he died on the first tee, what took you so long?"
"Well," said Ed, "for the next seventeen holes it was the same thing: Hit the ball and drag Stan, Hit the ball and drag Stan."
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